It's kind of interesting that I have been writing my thoughts and feelings for years and now that I'm able to start a blog, I'm not sure what to say. I was going to start last week with my blog and didn't. Maybe it's because I have my blog connected to my diet. I intended to start my new diet last week and didn't. Oh, I have plenty of reasons that I didn't start, but as "they" say, any excuse will do.
So, I guess I'll start by saying that I am very well aware that in order to really lose weight and keep it off I can't diet. Diets don't work. I am going to have to change my behavior and my relationship with food. And, that is much more difficult than any diet. Even today, with every intent in the world to really begin doing well; watching what I put in my mouth and getting some reasonable exercise, I failed. Why did I fail? Because I had a very difficult and stressful day at work. By the time I got home I was ready to eat the world. Though I have done worse. I could have done better.
I guess what it boils down to is that I am going to have to find a different way of dealing with the stress in my life. Somehow and somewhere along the line I discovered that eating takes my mind off anything that is going on and the focus becomes, "I am so full. Will I never gain control". It just seems so much easier to fret over my poor diet and the unwanted weight than to learn healthy and effective ways of dealing with the stress that life throws my way. Often I feel like a drug addict that has a real desire to leave the drugs in the past and then something happens and I start fantasizing about and planning how I'm going to get my next fix so I can feel okay again. Food is definitely my drug of choice!
To put it on a spiritual level, I certainly identify with Paul in Romans 7 when he says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.... I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing..."
Once I learn to deal with the stress the diet will fall into place. I'm (51), will I ever learn to deal with the stress?
I do believe, but haven't yet figured out how to completely incorporate this belief into my behavior patterns, that God is omnipotent - all powerful. He was able to create the world out of nothing. He can accomplish anything! If He ever asks my to do something, He will enable me to do it. This means that He can teach me to deal with stress. It means that He will deal with my stress - if I could just figure out how to really give it to Him rather than hanging on to it like it is something precious.
When my life is in the middle of God's activity and God's will, He will start rearranging a lot of my thinking - I believe that. God's ways and thoughts are so different from mine. I'm working on a readiness and willingness to believe God and trust Him completely. I know that as I respond to Him with a simple child-like trust, I will find a whole new way of looking at life.
So, my task seems to be, at the very least, three fold: to strengthen my faith to the point that I truly let God lead my life; to allow God to teach me to deal with stress in a healthy and godly way and trust that He WILL handle my stress as I allow Him to lead my life; and to become physically fit by losing my excess weight and gaining more physical stamina.
Tomorrow I will weigh and post my current weight, that way both you and I will know where I am beginning and what kind of progress I'm making. I know that it's going to be quite the journey, it's not a new journey, I've been on this journey for years - since I was a kid. Now I will have the support of those of you who read my blog and can identify with my struggle. And sincerely, my hope is that you will find encouragement and support in following my journey.
So, until tomorrow, when I put stress on the scales by stepping on!
